Book II: It's Humor Royal from Peggy Lippard to HenryVIII

                                                           Old B Western Movies

This is a short story from my next work. The title is Humor Royal from Peggy Lippard to Henry VIII.

I must admit that I'm a big western movie fan. The other day I got to thinking about those old B western movies because there is magic in them. There is magic because as a stagecoach is racing forward its wheels are spinning backward, a six-gun fires thirty-six times without reloading, and dozens of movie extras can receive multiple gunshot wounds without exhibiting agony or showing pain. Today that carnage would call for sensitivity training.

Did you ever notice the many John Ford movies settings? They had with different locations and geographic story settings prominently feature Monument Valley. Regardless of the setting for the movie, Monument Valley was featured. There must have been some magic in that valley.
Isn’t it strange that with all this magic, a rainmaker is as close as we get to a performing magician in a B western movie on the silver screen? This rainmaker magic isn’t even acknowledged in the film credits.

Movie studios have about quit making these magical B westerns or about any westerns for that matter. Ever notice in those old westerns that the bowlegged cowboy they cast as the hero goes around walking slowly like this? That's because the hero is old. Did you ever notice those long lines and grains in the film that's projected on the screen? In those old westerns those are not lines and grain my friend, they are wires pulling our hero's hands and arms along to hold him upright. Yes sir, all that popping, flashing, cracking, and vertical lines are wires that keep him upright. They make it so much easier to move him across the set.

There could be another reason for our hero walking like this; besides being so old. He could have just come from the urinal where he didn't quite make it... and that's why he walks this way (walking bowlegged). He wants to keep the wet denim of his jeans from rubbing against his legs and getting them wet. It helps with the airing out and drying process, too.

There's a reason the hero is so old. Producers go to a nursing home to find a former movie star with experience or a washed up Broadway actor who can't remember his lines and they are in business. This cuts costs by not having to pay him so much, and he can easily learn all those complicated lines he needs to know. Ever hear “yep” and “nope?” That's about the only lines these old washed-up actors can remember. A really good find is an old actor who can make the wiggling of his furrowed brow pass for dialogue. Directors will rewrite the script so that our old hero has only a few lines to remember.

And when you see our hero on a horse... that's not our hero, it's his double. You see, our hero is so old that he can't mount a horse to ride, and if he does he nods off to sleep just before he falls off the horse. Ever notice the length of his six-gun that shoots thirty-six times without reloading? The reason it's so long is because when they're not on the set shooting scenes, he can walk around the film location using the weapon for a walking stick. With the long pistol he can stand upright and not fall down.

What about outlaws in those movies? In those old B western movies, they used the same actors over and over for outlaws? You may wonder how the movie moguls selected actors to play the villain. They had a method for selecting villains just like they did for the hero and the leading lady. The casting director picked actors who, looking straight forward without moving their head came closest to contorting their lips perpendicular to the ground. My friend, Elvis, even with his scowling lips, would have never gotten a chance to play a polecat in an old western movie. Those parts were reserved for photogenically challenged actors with curled, crescent moon-shaped lips that had one cusp pointing to the stars and the other pointing toward their boots. That mouth contortion made the villain look more sinister and his talk sound tougher.

What about an ideal ugly villain? He would be one standing in the middle of California that could view the Pacific Ocean with one eye and the Rocky Mountains with the other… at the same time. I remember one B western villain that was so walleyed that that he couldn’t see what was directly in front of him. He had to turn to one side in order to see our hero coming toward him. What I really liked about these old villains was that they could wander through a desert for weeks and remain clean shaven and never touch a razor. More magic is suppose.

Let's take the horse chase. Some of those old westerns used thirty to forty-five minutes of an hour movie for the hero to chase down the bad guy. I remember one horse chase in particular that started in El Paso, Texas, went through Southern New Mexico, through Tucson, Arizona, and into San Diego, California. In fact, when the hero leaped from his black saddle and knocked the bad guy off his lathered horse, they landed in a snowbank in Fairbanks, Alaska. Those time consuming horse chase scenes kept script-writing costs to a minimum. Those horses worked harder than the actors.

What's our hero doing during those long horse chases? You see, while the double was being filmed in the horse chase scene, the director has our hero learning his lines while he’s propped against a tall, prickly cactus. Why a prickly cactus? That's so he won't fall asleep and those sharp thorns pressing against him tend to keep him awake. Those sharp needles would keep about anybody awake. Yes, our hero is in deep study learning his lines. “Yep! Nope!”

Take the scene where our hero visits an old miner at his remote mountain shack. This is the way the script writers wrote it: A double is shot by camera angle from behind and a good distance back. Our hero double rides up to a flat place in front of the cabin which is on a steep bank, and he meets the miner on a level spot outside and a few yards below it. Still being shot from the back because it's still the double, he dismounts and now another camera shows a face shot of our hero who has been inserted for the double. He walks, with the help of the wires, right up to the short, aged miner.

Now notice our hero didn't walk-up and knock-on the cabin door. He couldn't walk-up the hill because the wires would have made shooting the scene extremely difficult to manage during the walk. It would have taken a lot of time and cost a lot of money to shoot the scene with our hero ambling up the bank to the cabin. Remember, this is a B western and low budget, so our hero meets the miner on the flat, dry ground below the cabin. They meet and talk face-to-face.

Our hero says: “Howdy, old timer. Curly Cotton is riding out here to shoot you and take possession of your gold mine.”

The little miner jumps three feet into the air, lands on his feet, and slings his hat onto the ground in disgust. He does two back-flips, three cartwheels, winds up in front of our hero facing him squarely, and looking up into his eyes, he says, “Why, Curly Cotton can't do that, can he?”

Our hero replies, “Yep.”

Our miner says, “We ain't going to let him get away with it, are we?”

Our hero replies, “Nope.”

There are too many lines here for our hero to remember. This is how the director rewrites the script and shoots the completed scene that is shown on the silver screen in the theater: Our double is seen approaching the cabin on horseback from a rear shooting angle. He dismounts and our hero is inserted for the frontal shot. Note the popping and cracking of the film just as our hero is substituted for the double. That is those wires being filmed.

Our hero says, “Howdy, old timer.”

The miner says: “I know what you come fer. You've come to tell me Curly Cotton is coming right now to shoot me and take my gold mine, ain't you?”

Our hero says, “Yep.”

The little miner jumps three feet into the air, lands on his feet, and throws his hat down on the ground in disgust. He does two back-flips, three cartwheels, winds up facing, and looking up into our hero's eyes.

The little miner says, “We ain't going to cotton to Curly Cotton shooting me and getting his cotton-picking hands on my gold mine, are we?”

Our hero answers, “Nope.”

There's something that always bothered me about this miner scene. Our hero calls the perky, little minor an old-timer. This old timer merely jumps three feet into the air, does two back-flips, and three cartwheels while our hero is so old he can't ride a horse or remember his lines. Who exactly is the old timer, anyway?

Now, there is this necessary evil in making a B western movie. That necessity is having a leading lady in a rough-and-tumble western movie where romance, except between our hero and his horse, is taboo. Why was romance taboo? Those movies were made during the dying days of the Victorian Era when mean, macho men and shy, frilly clad women didn’t kiss. I know that you don’t believe my assessment but just look at the low population growth then as compared to the population explosion that we have now. See the difference?

There are budget restraints. A leading lady must be found who will work cheap, desires to be in pictures, and her acting ability can be optional. As for the screen test for a leading lady, well, most movie moguls have the director to place dolls with young, mature girls who wish to play the part of leading lady. So, they place the girls in separate rooms and to each is handed a pretty doll. He returns a few minutes later and goes from room to room to snatch the doll away from each girl. The one that makes the least fuss when her doll is snatched...she gets the part.

Now we have a problem here. Most girls don't want to be kissed by a man old enough to be her grandfather, you know, a leading man who is a nursing home escapee. The director assures the young maiden that she will not be kissed by the hero and explains to her that our hero is too old to pucker his lips. Not only that but there is only going to be one or two scenes shot with her and our hero. Also, the director assures our leading lady that our hero will be charged with child abuse or far worse if he puts a move on her. He assures her that the hero's love interest is his horse

(14) Insert cartoon:                                                                                                                                                                   B Western Movies, Cartoon: Two cowboys are talking and horse/horses are in the background. One cowboy says to another: “I prefer kissing horses to women because I don’t have to worry about a mother-in-law.”

Here is a typical scene with our leading lady and our hero. This is the way it is written by the scriptwriters: The bad guys have invaded her father's ranch, shot her father, stole all the cattle, and took the deed to the ranch. Our hero or double actually, arrives on his horse and drives the bad guys away by firing his six-gun thirty-six times without reloading. Our leading lady is kneeling on the ground and holding her dying father in her arms. As the double dismounts near them, our inserted hero walks up to them. Our hero’s eyes meet those of the leading lady.

Our leading lady says: “Those awful outlaws. They shot my pa, took our cattle, and stole the deed to our ranch. What will I do?”

Our hero says: “Those vile villains. Don't you worry, miss. I'll track these dirty polecats down if I have to follow them to the ends of the earth. No stone will go unturned until I bring these evil critters to justice. I'll do anything to wipe the tears from those seductive eyes, burning lips, and body yearning to be made love to.”

You'd think this would be a perfect time for our hero to bend down and give her a peck on the cheek. There are some problems with that because, first of all, he can't bend down, secondly, he can't remember that many lines, and thirdly, his lips won't pucker. He's confined to little more than a “yep” or “nope.” Now they could use the double to bend over and give her a little smack, but remember, this is a B western; not, Deep Throat. Love scenes must be held to a minimum.

Script writers have written too many lines for our hero to remember. This is the way the scene is shot and the dialog rewritten by the director. This is the scene shown in theaters: Our hero's double rides in and drives away the bad guys by firing thirty-six shots from his six-shooter without reloading. Our leading lady is down on the ground holding her dying father in her lap while our hero's double is seen from the back riding up to them. Our hero is substituted for the double and he approaches the leading lady. Again, notice the popping and cracking and lines on the screen when our hero is inserted. It’s those wires again.

Our hero says, “Howdy Ma'am.”

Our leading lady says: “Those cutthroat outlaws shot my pa, took all our cattle, and stole the deed to our ranch. I don't know what I'll do. You will help me find those varmints, return our cattle, and get the deed to the ranch back, won't you? You'll follow them to the ends of the earth to find them and bring them to justice, won't you?”

Our hero says, “Yep.”                                                                                                                        

Leading lady says, “Oh, you will kiss me now to seal the deal, won’t you?”                                            Our hero says, “Nope”.                                                                                                                            Leading lady says, “Why not?”

Our hero says: “I forgot what kissing is for. Oh, and besides, I can't bend over... and my lips won't pucker.” Note: This reply to the leading lady’s “Why not?” is cut. It is cut because our hero stumbled through these long, complicated, and difficult to remember lines. This scene is shot again with the hero simply saying, “Can’t ma’am.”

Now, the last scene as written by the scriptwriters: The double rides in and dismounts and our hero is substituted. He knocks on the leading lady's front door which is in a level area by the way, which makes it easier for the wire pullers. She answers the door.

Leading lady, “Oh, you found the deed, got our cattle back, and brought those awful polecats to justice.”

Our hero says, “Yep. I chased one to Montana, another to New York, and still another to Hollywood. Like I told you ma'am, I went to the ends of the earth to find those dirty, rotten varmints. I've brought your cattle back, and here's the deed to your ranch.”

They fall into each others arms and the movie ends without them kissing.

This is the way it was filmed and shown in theaters: The double rides up to the house where our hero is substituted. As the substitution is made, notice the screen popping and cracking and all those lines running vertically up-and-down the screen. Once more it’s those wires pulling our hero along.  At the front door of the ranch house, he draws his six-shooter and tacks the deed to the door... using a railroad spike for a tack. He turns to leave just before the leading lady opens the door.

Our leading lady says, “Oh, your brought those vile varmints to justice and brought our cattle back and brought back the deed to the ranch? You’re so wonderful.”

Turning to face our heroine, our hero says, “Yep.”

Lading lady says, “Then you can be mine forever and share the ranch and I can have your children and we can raise them together and live happily ever after.”

Our hero says, “Nope.”

The double gets on the horse and is filmed riding into the sunset. B westerns are about a thing of the past, in part due our old heroes being friskier than they used to be thanks to the miracle of Viagra and Cialis. Of course, our hero never did kiss the leading lady, but now he can't kiss his horse either due to the animal rights people. Kiss that horse and the SPCA or PITA will get him for cruelty to animals. I guess these are the two biggest reasons why B westerns are a thing of the past. Those already filmed ought to be preserved. I miss those magical old western movies.

                                                                                                                                                                      (15) Insert cartoon:                                                                                                      B Western Movies. Cartoon: Cowboy is standing by his horse and a woman with SPCA badge is nearby. The cowboy says, “What do you mean animal cruelty if I kiss my horse?” 

Copyright 2017 Anthony E. Ponder

Copyright 2017 Anthony E. Ponder